You need to be spoken for, or else…

My two nephews Muthenya (5) and Utuku (3) are playing with their toys in the living room at home. Utuku grabs Muthenya’s toy car and begins to play with it. Affronted, Muthenya whines, “Aiii Tuku that’s my car, give it back!” The drama ensues.

Ownership, it’s fundamental in drawing the lines of what is permitted and what is prohibited when dealing with property. As a woman I often feel like that toy car. Being shown off, being coveted or admired lustily by others, being of ‘high maintenance’, subject to meeting particular standards and even needing an owner for my presence to be justified. I am there to be admired and ‘played’ with, at the discretion of my ‘owner’.

I was reading the latest post on Brainstorm, ‘Even the Streets Aren’t Safe’ and I got the inspiration for this post. To say that I can relate to this post on Kenyan Street Harassment would be an understatement. Sad as it is to admit, it is my life, it is what I go through every day on the streets of Nairobi. I am also sure my female friends can relate as well.

 “Hey baby, you look like you need some company,” he said to me while I was in the company of my girl friends.

I am confused. I don’t know this look he speaks of. Does it exist? Can you tell me so that I may stop wearing it, and you will no longer feel comfortable to approach me, with this offensive statement as your opening line?

Something interesting I noticed is that as a young lady, I wouldn’t be harassed if a man accompanied me. It is the same in clubs, if I am dancing with a man I am off limits, but if I am dancing with another lady, I become ‘free game’, the target of each and every man, irrespective of my wishes.

In the post, ‘Even the Streets Aren’t Safe’, Sheila Maingi spoke of men’s entitlement to women’s bodies and their sexuality, to do with as they please. Here, I address this ridiculous notion that all women need to be spoken for, or else…

Above is a clear illustration that society needs our women to be spoken for by a man. A woman cannot be a stand-alone being, or else it is acceptable for her to be assaulted, insulted or preyed upon. After all I am a ‘wo’ ‘man’. A man would need to complete that equation right?

When will you get married they ask? Don’t you have a boyfriend? So you want kids but not a man? These questions are intrusive as they are endless.

Where is it written that I must aspire to marital bliss? That I must be present in Church every Sunday, husband and kids in tow? Show me so that I may quickly oblige without fuss, that’s how you like me right? Compliant and without drama, yes?

In this same light, I feel I need to say that I do not think we should aspire without fail, to marry. Before you take me to the gallows for this statement, note carefully that I said ‘aspire without fail’ which means, ’to long, aim, or seek ambitiously until achievement’. Using myself as an example, I do not wake up every morning with a to-do list of action steps that will eventually lead to my marriage ability. None, of my life’s Measures of Success include ‘To be married without fail’ with Key Performance Indicators of ‘number of dates in a week’. Yes, I would love to have a partner to share the different phases of my life, to love unconditionally and to cherish. But really, do you honestly believe if I do not marry, I will have failed at life? Whatever your answer, I am relieved you won’t be the one answering this question for me. However, let us be clear, in a world full to the brim with terrorists, murderers, rapists, corruption, greed, hate and all manner of atrocities, there are a lot of ways to be a failure in life, without ‘singlehood’ being one of them.

It should not be society’s place to dictate that I need some man to protect me, to speak for me, to own me so that I can be safe, so that I am accounted for!  That is definitely not how I want to go through life.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention here, that recently Kenya passed the law giving men the option, right to be polygamous. Not only that, but without the wife’s consent.

Kenya's Member of Parliament, Samuel Chepkong'a, who proposed the amendment, said that when a woman got married under customary law, she understood that the marriage was open to polygamy, so no consultation was necessary.

"Any time a man comes home with a woman, that would be assumed to be a second or third wife," said Samuel Chepkong'a, chairman of the Justice and Legal Affairs Committee.

"When you marry an African woman, she must know the second one is on the way, and a third wife... this is Africa," MP Junet Mohammed told the house.

Pause, let those quotes sink in.

Two things, firstly:

I mean why not? There are many women who need taking care of, no? We need to be placed under the very capable wings of our full-bodied men. Surely, if the man has the financial capacity to do so, why not? I am pretty sure it will improve fidelity in marriage, and even reduce the chances of acquiring STDs amongst married couples. It must be a good thing. 

THUD! That was the sound of me using my anchor like handbag to hit the side of your head.

Newsflash, the secret to improving fidelity in marriage and curbing the spread of STDs amongst married couples is fidelity. Just in case fidelity is a foreign concept to you, this means having sex with ONLY your husband or wife.

Secondly:

In this second point, I will use a metaphor that should be clear as day. I could be wrong, but here goes. When buying a new car, do you have to ask ‘Car # 1’ for its permission or at least explain your motives for needing a new and different car? My guess is, it is either you have the money and space to keep both or get rid of the first to pave way for the newer, sleeker, more recent model. See, our legislators are also reinforcing the fact that we are property, having no say, a mere possession.

So I ask myself, why would I want to bring my daughter into this world to experience this inhumane mutilation of her dignity? To bring my son into this world where he could mistakenly emulate society in its gross misconduct?

These are the questions that plague me.